


Like It's Made Of Gold

by Rhosymedre



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Crack, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, One Shot, Other, Short One Shot, This is pure crack, like read the pairings, like seriously read at your own risk, this fic is absolutely ridiculous, this fic is legitimately about Chuck being in love with toilet paper, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 16:17:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1654733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhosymedre/pseuds/Rhosymedre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story about a man and the love of his life... his toilet paper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like It's Made Of Gold

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so um... this fic just happened.. I blame my friends on Twitter... this is not a serious fic at all. It is utterly ridiculous in ever way imaginable and I apologize.

It was a typical Saturday and Chuck Shurley was lounging around his house in his underwear eating cheerios. Unfortunately, Chuck Shurley had eaten just a bit too many cheerios, and he felt the uncomfortable twinge of explosive diarrhea forming deep in his colon. 

“Ah, frick frack,” Chuck said to himself as he got off the couch and waddled toward the bathroom. He could feel his cheerios churning through his stomach and racing downward in a frantic shuffle.

Chuck hurried into the bathroom and slammed the door shut, flinging his underwear down, and sinking onto the porcelain bench of wonder with a sigh of relief. His booty sang praises to the toilet gods as it poured a smooth brown shower into the pool below.

Chuck let out a contented moan as he finished releasing the motherload. He smiled as he turned to retrieve the toilet paper, but then his expression froze in shocked dismay.

Chuck was out of toilet paper.

What was he to do? Should he use something else to clean his soiled booty? Should he awkwardly hop into the shower and scrub the feces off his bum? Chuck shuddered at the idea of either option and started frantically scanning the room for a solution.

Chuck peered over his left shoulder and that’s when he saw it. It was like a spotlight from heaven was shining down and a chorus of angels was singing.

For there, merely an arms length away from him, was a brand new roll of toilet paper.

Chuck squealed in delight and reached back to pick up the toilet paper, caressing it tenderly like a lover. He brought the soft, ultra-strong squares to his lips and he kissed his life-saver gently.

“Baby,” Chuck said, nuzzling the toilet paper lovingly, “don’t you ever desert me again.”

Then Chuck wiped his booty off and flushed this disastrous event down the drain, tucking his toilet paper roll under his arm and stroking it fondly.

\----

A few years later, Chuck woke up, cuddling his toilet paper, to the sound of Croatoans clawing at his windows. 

“Jeepers!” Chuck exclaimed as he jumped out of bed and grabbed his can of pepper spray. “Ain’t no zombie freaks gonna eat my baby!” 

Chuck just knew he had to get out of there. The survival of his precious toilet paper depended on it. So he burst through his front door and sprayed those Croatoans with his mighty pepper spray.

“Take that, you poopy Poopsie-heads!” Chuck yelled as he sprinted past the Croatoans to freedom. He clamored into his car and drove away as fast as he could, clutching his satiny baby between his legs.

Once Chuck was far enough away, he pulled over and cuddled his toilet paper as if his life depended on it. “It’s just you and me now, baby,” Chuck whispered. “Just a young man and his toilet paper against the big bad world.” He kissed the tattered Charmin fabric tenderly. “Hey that would make a really great story. Maybe I should write that some day.”

Unfortunately Chuck never got the chance.

\----

A few months later, Chuck found himself and his toilet paper at a place called Camp Chitaqua, with none other than Dean Winchester and ex-angel Castiel. Apparently it was the end of the world and Chuck feared for his toilet paper’s safety.

At the end of a meeting, Dean pulled Chuck aside and asked awkwardly, “Hey, dude, can we uh, talk?” 

Chuck nodded, cradling his toilet paper in his arms like a baby. 

Dean coughed uncomfortably and said, “So uh… I know you and your toilet paper have a.. uh… profound bond… or whatever… but uh… we kind of ran out of toilet paper and it’s the only toilet paper left in the camp. We can’t go on our supply run until tomorrow so… uh… we kinda need your toilet paper.”

Chuck gasped and clutched his sweet sweet booty-wiping sheets to his chest. “But she’s two-ply!”

Dean gaped at him. “Even better. So hand it over, man.”

Chuck hissed and stroked his toilet paper protectively. “My preciousssssss.”

Dean stared at him. “Okay I’ll give you two a minute alone then. But I need that toilet paper, Chuck.”

Dean walked out and shut the door behind him and Chuck stared at his life-saver, the love of his life, dejectedly. 

“I guess this is it, my sweet Charmin ultra-strong love. Some things are never meant to last. We are two star-crossed lovers, never meant to be together. I guess this is… goodbye..”

Chuck leaned down and started kissing his satiny paper roll passionately, sliding his tongue inside the tube and then he froze.

Chuck had an idea.

He stroked his baby softly. “Love… since this is our last night together… I want… I want… I want to… I want to do the do… the weewee tp dance with no pants… let me be Charminside you.”

The toilet paper, of course, did not respond, but Chuck took that as a yes. Chuck pulled down his pants and stuck his dingle dongle into the glorious tube of wonder. He moaned as he slid in and out of the warm embrace of his lover.

“OH YES!” Chuck screamed. “Oh YEAH Rollypoo JUST LIKE THAT. ZOOWEEMAMA GIVE IT TO ME! WRAP MY MANHOOD IN YOUR ULTRA-STRONG TWO-PLY CLOUD OF SWEET SOFT LOVIN!”

Well, the toilet paper roll did just that and Chuck finished his glorious sexy-times with his lover then walked outside and sadly handed the love of his life to Dean.

As Chuck walked back to his cabin, he thanked whatever god was still out there for giving him the glorious years he spent with his Rollypoo. Some things aren’t meant to last forever, but how many people could say they’d had the chance to experience a love like his? Not many. And really, love is all you need in these trying, apocalyptic times.

\----

Epilogue

The year was 2014 and weirdly enough, a Dean Winchester from 2009 showed up at their humble little camp. Chuck was used to strange things by now so he didn’t think much of it.

As they were walking, Chuck asked, “So, you’re really from ‘09?”

“Yeah, afraid so.”

Chuck thought back longingly. 2009… the days when he still had his sweet sweet lady love. “Some free advice. You ever get back there, you hoard toilet paper. You understand me? Hoard it. Hoard it like it’s made of gold. Because it is.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have regrets.


End file.
